What Am I thinking?

What Am I Thinking?

It started on Easter Sunday when I received a WhatsApp video from a friend. In the video, a lady was narrating and lamenting her experiences in the hands of Nigerian kidnappers. She appeared cool and calm while telling her story until she reached the point where she was saying that her experiences are being repeated every day in Nigeria and no one is saying or doing anything about it. At first, I was touched by her story, but not moved – truthfully, because she seem to be a from the North and most likely a Muslim, for that alone, I could not connect with her grief. Sure, while my subconscious mind was empathizing with her, my conscious mind felt no pity. It was when she was overwhelmed by her experience and burst into tears screaming and wailing at the camera that my Christian senses kicked in. it was only then that I saw her as human that she is – not a northerner, not a Muslim but a human being. Then my conscious mind began to dissect everything she was narrating on this video. Suddenly, I felt her pain, her agony, her hurt, her experience as a human being. Personally, and as someone who grew up with six sisters and have four girls of my own, I began to wonder what if my sisters or daughters went through same experiences as she was narrating? I felt this chill come all come over me and it prompted me to write this version of What Am I thinking?

What Am I thinking? I am wondering why black people lack empathy towards one another. Why do Africans not feel for other Africans? Why do Nigerians hate other Nigerians simply because they belong to another religion or tribe? Just listen to the diatribe being spewed by our politicians, chiefs, and Oba’s sectarian groups regarding who belongs and does not belong in Nigeria. Listen to the blame game being perpetrated by these sectarian and separatist elements regarding what someone can and cannot do in any region. In Nigeria today, we abuse, kill, rape, kidnap and brutalize with reckless abandon and think nothing of it. From the Chibok kidnapping of years ago to the latest bombing and kidnapping of the Abuja - Kaduna bound train, we seem to treat these incidences as just passing fancies. The most recent atrocities of the so-called unknown gunmen in the Southeast are no exceptions. However, we sheepishly find ways to not only to justify these atrocities, but compartmentalize them in nice, neat packages and blame either our governors, federal government, unknown gunmen or the Fulani Herdsmen for enticing outrage in our communities. We are quick to blame the presence of the military and police for these unwanted actions by miscreants who have appointed themselves as our protectors and oat keepers.

Look at what is happening in Ukraine today – how “Europeans” everywhere are rallying around their fellow “White skinned” Ukrainian refugees and providing them with whatever life’s comfort they could muster. No blacks or black nations would have done such anywhere in the world. What is so sad was that while these Europeans were trying to find comfort for their fellow “Whites,” black folks were put in in concentration camps. But do we care, no! What a sad testimony to who we are as a race and how we see and value ourselves. That is in essence the way the world sees us. We cannot even take a cue from any of these circumstances and begin to treat each other with some sense of decency and respect but would rather double down and pull each other down like cockroaches in a box - all the while looking for ways to put down each other in the name of religious and tribal sentiments. If Igbo man commits a crime in Igbo land, we blame it on Fulani Herdsmen, if Boko Haram and other sectarian groups commit atrocities in the North, they blame it on the presence of the Igbos and Yoruba or Christians – claiming that their ways are contaminating their homeland. What a sad existence that black Africans have so much hatred for their own skin and skin color, so much hatred for their own peers, their fellow countrymen all because we are from different tribes and subscribe to a different religion.

Today this matter of tribalism is the Nigerian kryptonite. It is that one issue that will ensure that Nigeria will never rise to its worth regardless. It is the one topic that we all want to tiptoe around, and no one wants to address directly – that one issue that has driven a solid metal wedge between all ethnic groups in Nigeria and is continuing to mushroom every day. There was a time that a person can get a job anywhere in Nigeria regardless of your tribe or religious affiliations. Not today, an Anambra man cannot get a government job in Imo or Abia and vice versa all due to this affinity to discriminate.

What Am I thinking? I am thinking that when Martin Luther King said, “injustice anywhere, is a treat to justice everywhere!” he was not thinking Nigeria. Even though Martin Luther King was talking about being fair and equitable, but nothing is fair or equitable about Nigeria. Whereas a poor person will commit petty theft and thrown in jail or remanded without trial, there is absolutely no pardon for that person; however, when one of our so-called elites are convicted of embezzlement, which runs in the billions of dollars, we will find every reason to pardon them, up to the point of returning ceased assets acquired with those stollen funds. That is not equity! Where is the pardon for hundreds of persons currently incarcerated throughout our jails without trial? Where is their justice for people incarcerated for petty crimes and have been dying in jail? The above notwithstanding, whenever there is a crime against humanity, be it in the North, South, East, or West, we should all collectively condemn it regardless. We must all speak up because our silence is tacit support for such acts. Our indirect support for injustice because he or she is from my tribe is what sets up the injustice everywhere. We all are witnesses of insecurities throughout the nation, but think back when Boko Haram menace was limited to Northern Nigeria? Had we collectively condemned it then, we may not be experiencing this Southeast version of Boko Haram terrorism by these unknown gunmen today.

What Am I thinking? To think that the Anambra state government effectively shut down some of its offices for fear of attack from unknown gunmen is indicative of our situation today. To think that everyone is now in a “hunker-down-mode” and even afraid to discuss the phenomenon of unknown gunmen says a lot about life in Igbo land. Sadly, when it was happening in the North, we all had no interest in speaking up. But look at us today, our (NIMBY) “Not in My Backyard” mentality has prevailed, and now we are suffering the same uneasiness and consequences. Albeit the governor is trying his best to deal with a situation that some elements do not want to be resolved, you can see how his efforts are an effort in futility. Nevertheless, with his “see something, say something campaign” I am optimistic that Umu Igbo will see the value to riding our neighborhoods and land of these distractions.

What Am I thinking? I am thinking about the death of gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu who was allegedly killed by her husband. Stories being circulated points to this “open secret” in Nigeria called spousal abuse. Spousal abuse is everywhere, our women are not protected at all, and are becoming punching bags in the hands of some low life individuals who lack self-esteem. If you believe that conquering your wife gives you a leg up in life, then you know nothing about life. As a man, have no respect for any man that will commit to brutalizing their own wife for any reason whatsoever! As a liberated mind, if your spouse is doing something you do not like, the best way to deal with it is to talk it out and if possible, seek counseling. We got ourselves in this mess because, gone are the days when your extended family are your counselors, today with people scattered all over the country, you could see why it has become a little difficult for the family to intervene. I remember one of Aunty husband laying his filthy hands on her and it my grandfather marshaled all his sons and grandsons for retaliation. It took his entire family to prevent him from losing any limbs – and might I say it was the last time we heard about my aunt being abused. I am not advocating violence, just to give you an insight into how women were protected by their families even in marriage.

The Nigeria culture, unlike European way of life, places a lot of burden on women. It is us who continue to encourage our women to endure in the interest of family and the children, where is the responsibility of the man? And God forbid the marriage ends in divorce, she is culturally banished to a perpetual single life because no man would marry a divorces woman - especially in Igbo land. Is that not penance enough? Why the beating and the striking? As someone who has been married for a long time, I understand the frustrations of marriage and having to live with the same woman over time, however, that does not justify degrading myself to the point of using my spouse as punching bag. I believe that once you get to that point, it will be prudent to just simply dissolve the marriage and move on. We cannot be holding onto cultural mandates that will keep you unhappy in any marriage…life is too short to be unhappy for more than half your life – it is not do or die. What kind of life is that? The Oyibo who invented “till death do us part” has more than 60% of all their marriages ending in divorce. Why should we be torturing ourselves and our females? For women, if your husband is using you to practice his boxing skills, please run, leave before it is too late. No one will hang a gold medal on your grave for enduring abuse while bobbing and weaving, and there should be no shame is saving your life! The most you will lose is his financial support and maybe, and I repeat maybe good sex, but the least you will gain is to live to enjoy life another day and who knows what else. Marriage is not easy, and divorce is even more complicated especially whenever children are involved. However, I have lived enough overseas to realize that – nothing is going to happen if you get divorced. The sun will still rise in the morning and Nkwo Ogbe, the Ihiala main market, will open for business every day. My point, you will be fine by yourself, and somebody’s son out there will find you attractive enough to keep you around. It takes guts and survival instincts.

In our style of dealing with major challenges, it appears this matter of Osinachi Nwachukwu and spousal abuse is fast fading into old memory and to the background. Do not forget that Nigerians have “Very Short Attention Span, But Long Memories.” Meaning, we cannot stay on a topic long enough to develop a solution but will carry a grudge to the grave. One question though? Where are the women’s groups? This is not the kind of issue that should be swept under the rug, we must keep reminding women to work at protecting themselves from abusive men, while we teach the men that they cannot turn their spouses into punching bags. You attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.

Well, it is us who abandoned our culture for the white man’s way of life, in that case, we must adopt the white man’s way of dealing with such cultural challenges. The last time I checked, you do not mix nkwu and ngwo together. If your pastor is no help in your marriage, kick him to the curb, for all I know, he may not make it to heaven. Do not be afraid to involve your family when trying to settle disputes. But most of all do apply traditional methods mixed with European method of settling marriage disputes.

What Am I thinking Next? Well election talk is everywhere, and our political parties and embezzlement professionals are perfecting another ruse to fool us once again. I am not confident that we have learned our lessons from past experiences, therefore, I am apt to believe we will be fooled once again come 2023. Be on the lookout for my next blog which will surely be on our next elections.

Happy (American) Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there and again, and pleasetry to be safe out there!!!!!!

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